There are times when we face something that questions our hope. For me, this has been in my walk with chronic migraine.
Even just typing out those two little words, chronic migraine, a silent battle goes on inside my soul of not even wanting to acknowledge it. I don’t want to give it any possible fuel to feed on or any power over me. But the truth is, I do have chronic migraine. My life feels like an irony of sorts as I spent close to 18 years of it helping others with their health and well-being. Pain and dis-ease was something I helped others avoid. I can hear myself, “Health is something active and alive, you are either working towards health or away from it – it is not a constant.” So, when I started suffering from migraines which eventually spiraled into chronic migraines, I was left feeling quite devastated.
I turned over every rock and explored every natural and holistic “treatment” I could find. I did all that I was taught to do, all that I taught my patients but the migraines persisted. Eventually, I made the decision to leave practice as keeping up with the rigor of practice let alone just keeping a patient schedule became an impossibility. This has probably been my most difficult walk in life and has cost me on every level whether that be professional, personal, or relational. I have explored and continue to explore options whether they be alternative or main stream, finding myself on a path I never imagined I would be on. The irony of it still leaves me a bit bewildered at times.
Currently I find myself living between hope and acceptance. I have moments but at the end of the day, I am just not ready to let go of hope. I don’t think I could face any of this without the hope I have found through a relationship with God. Then there is acceptance … accepting that I do have something that is out of my control, accepting that I am broken yet whole at the same time, accepting the irony in my life, accepting that I may or not get better this side of heaven and with all that being true accepting that my life is still beautiful, regardless.
It’s this strange intersection between acceptance and hope that gives me the strength to keep going. To keep believing. To knowing there is more to my life than my pain or lack thereof. I can’t tie a pretty bow around this one, it’s fractured and painful yet also beautiful and full at the same time. In this dichotomy of life is that place I think we all learn to walk the line between hope and acceptance.
Are you facing something that puts you in this place too? I hope my story lets you know you are not alone. The truth is life is hard yet an incredible blessing too.